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What To Do When He Pulls Away

Last updated on : September 07 2018

pain of heartbreak

A Failing Relationship Is Painful

Breaking up with someone is painful. It's painful because the same areas in the brain are activated when we feel heartbreak and when we feel physical pain.

Other studies have shown that love is like an addiction, and losing it can be like going through withdrawal. 

It's the reason why we become so needy at the thought of loss, and why we often resort to pleading and begging, which deep down we know is futile.  

These experiences we've all gone through at The Kewl Shop, some of us more recently than others, and we know if you are here, you are probably feeling the pain too.

How to make it easier?

In our quest to understand what we can do to alleviate the pain of a breakup or to find relationship solutions that have a better chance of success we reached out to relationship coach Lee from MyExBackCoach. 

While some will advocate walking away - and often it's the right thing to do, most of us want another chance. A way to rekindle the love and attraction that was there before. Coach Lee possibly provides this solution. 

The following is how he tells the story.  

When He Pulls Away Let Him Go

He used to text you throughout the day, but now you might not hear from him for a day or two.

When you text him, his responses are taking longer and longer. Certainly taking longer than they used to.

Maybe he hasn’t asked you to go out recently and seems less interested in seeing you face-to-face. You can feel it; he is pulling away.

So what can you do, to keep him from going too far, and to bring him back?

Do the opposite of what you might think.

The answer is not to improve or increase your "communication," but to let your man go instead.

It's also most certainly not asking him why he is pulling away.

Though there will be time for such discussion, the goal here is to re-attract him to where he is reaching out and pursuing you as he was before. 

So it's vital to approach the situation with space in mind instead of trying to determine a reason or problem.

The solution is what is most important, and that is to increase your attraction so that he draws to you. For this to happen, you need to leave him alone and give him space.

Why?

Because if you reach out to him when he feels distant, he will likely pull away further. 

The reason he might pull further away is that a part of him, emotionally speaking, needs to re-calibrate. And if he is subconsciously reacting by moving away from you, you interrupt the process by forcing interaction.

Give Him Space To Move Toward You Instead

man given the solitude he wanted

What you need to happen is for him to move toward you.

While you moving toward him might feel good in that you hear his voice or feel his presence even if it's just in a text, it doesn't restore his pursuit of you.

I'm addressing this issue more in the context of a dating relationship. For a marriage relationship, it's more difficult to give the space and silence in the way that I'm describing, but is still necessary.

For marriage, it would be more about "not" demanding conversation or "relationship talk" when he seems distant. 

Sometimes Relationships Need Time Apart To Both Foster & Heal

All things in life require rest and refreshment, and that includes relationship dynamics.

Like our bodies need rest to function correctly, heal and rebuild, men (and women) sometimes need such things emotionally speaking to be able to participate in the relationship again at full capacity.

You can leverage this time to allow him to miss you. It is in "losing" you that he best learns what he feels for you and develops an appreciation for your role in his life. 

Unless he experiences time without you, he can't miss you or learn that he does NOT want to be without you.

So whereas we tend to think that relationships ideally should be a constant and unending flow of communication and togetherness, the romantic and passionate moments we crave will lack intensity and frequency if there is not enough time apart.

A relationships' natural flow should be like breathing, in that, a couple moves in and out, to and away from each other regularly. This natural flow allows us to have an identity as a couple and as individuals.

Time Apart Will Draw Him Towards You

We must let the one we love time to rekindle with himself for him to make the most meaningful contributions to the relationship we share with him.

If you can muster the discipline to allow him space and silence when he pulls away, you will give your relationship the breath it needs to make it long term.

The opposite is smothering him which is deceptive in that it feels like you are breathing for him. Now this, you can't.

Why Giving Him Space Can Work

calm peaceful couple closing their eyes

The first reaction by so many following a withdrawal or break-up is not to leave the other person alone so he can miss you. But to do the opposite which is to overwhelm him with your presence.

You're thinking that if you communicate enough with your guy and persist in continually asking for a status update, not only will you soothe your impatience but your clearly expressed interest and desire to get him back will help him do so.

That is what many people think when they are in this position, but it couldn't be more wrong.

Leaving him alone doesn’t feel as good and seems to be tossing fate to the wind. However, it gives you more control over the situation in the following ways:

1. It prevents matters from getting worse. 

If the one you love has said he needs space, you only make matters worse by not leaving him alone and giving that space to him. 

When you stay when you’re not welcome, what do you think happens? He may resent you, feel awkward, and want you to leave even more.

2. It gives him the opportunity to miss you. 

As humans, we often don’t know what we had until it’s gone. That’s not just a cliche. It’s true. Time apart can be so good for a relationship, because it is only during that time that he can miss you and want to come closer to you.

If you are texting, calling, showing up, liking his posts, and asking his friends about him, he cannot miss you.

3. It raises the attraction he feels for you. 

When you gracefully allow space, you prevent the attraction he feels for you from decreasing.

That is because when you don’t chase, you show strength and confidence which are attractive qualities. 

These things alone can poke the fires of attraction, and when combined with him missing you and, then, beginning to wonder if he’s lost you, your appeal goes up in his mind, and he’s more likely to come back. 

All these things are likely much better than your current situation.

Summary

If you find your man pulling away from you, give him space. Allow him the freedom to miss you and be re-attracted to you. 

This approach may sound counterintuitive, but consider the alternate path, being needy, continually bothering him and not letting him go. It is sure to frustrate him and drive him away further. 

So often in love, especially when your emotions are on edge, the opposite to what you feel is the correct thing to do.

Can you do it? It's not easy, but you must.  

Coach Lee

Coach Lee is a relationship coach who helps couples maximize their relationships. He also helps people get their boyfriend or girlfriend back after a breakup. His website is MyExBackCoach.com.

Lee developed the Emergency Breakup Kit to help individuals do the right things to re-attract their ex after a breakup and to avoid the wrong things that further push them away.

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