How To Get Back Together With Your Ex And Deal With Your Heartbreak Fast
Last updated on : October 19 2020
This article helps you understand the nature of breakups and outlines how you should behave at crucial breakup points to maximize your ex-back chances.
It's for the person dumped in the relationship. We don't like the term, but the article is for the dumpee. If you're the dumper and you want your ex back, the approach is different.
The advice in the article works on two levels. To provide the behaviors needed to get your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend back, and at the same time, the actions required to recover as fast as possible from the breakup. It works whether you are male or female. The advice is the same for both sexes.
The process uses the indefinite no contact rule as the primary tool to get your ex back and to recover emotionally from the breakup.
Applying this article's knowledge guarantees you win regardless of whether you get your ex back or not. As usual, it comes with a twist which you only see at the end. So settle down for a long, intense, and informative read.
If you're suffering from a breakup, this article will help you a lot.
Steps To Get Back Together With Your Ex And Recover Quickly From A Breakup
These are the steps needed to get your ex back and to recover quickly from your heartbreak. Click on the links to jump to any individual section.
- Understand That Breakups Are A Process
- Prepare To Eliminate Hope And Move On
- Learn The No Contact Rule
- Your Behavior Before The Breakup
- What To Do At The Time Of The Breakup
- Avoid All Breakup Mistakes By Keeping Your Emotions In Check
- What To Say To Your Now Ex-Partner
- Get Into No-Contact Fast
- The Stages Of Breakup For A Dumper Ex
- Breadcrumbs From Your Ex
- Factors That Influence When Your Ex Will Reach Out
- Your Ex's Life Dilemma
Section 1 - How To Prepare For A Breakup
Many of us won't have the luxury to prepare for a breakup. Usually, breakups blindside us and take us by surprise.
However, you can use the principles in this section to help you understand your break up now and to prepare you better for any you might face in the future.
Understand That Breakups Are A Process
Not to trivialize the emotional pain you go through when separating from someone you love, but if you understand that a breakup is a process, it can help you better deal with it.
Studies show that going through a breakup inflicts similar pain to those experiencing the death of someone they love. You need to grieve a breakup just like you would the death of someone you love - and so we can look to the stages of grief to guide us through the breakup process.
Grief starts with denial and then goes through periods of bargaining (pleading and begging), anger, and depression until you eventually reach acceptance. At this last stage, you have finished the process and effectively recovered.
There aren't many things you can do to shortcut the breakup process, except avoid anything that gives you hope for reconciliation. When you have hope, you cannot accept the breakup, and without acceptance, you cannot recover.
Prepare To Eliminate Hope And Move On
Now you may ask, what is the point of eliminating hope if I want my ex back.
Well, the fact is that, while you have hope, you are, by definition, still grieving. And while you are suffering grief, you are filled with anxiety, a deep desire for your ex, and possibly high neediness levels.
These emotions are not attractive to your ex, and it's unlikely you can have a practical reconciliation while you are feeling them. You will want your ex more than your ex wants you.
So, yes, you need to get over your ex before you can reconcile with them again in a meaningful way. Accept this fact and do what it takes to eliminate hope. By doing so, you provide yourself with the most effective way to get your ex back and quickly recover from the breakup.
Bonus fact - the best way to eliminate hope is to go into no-contact. Every little bit of contact you have with your ex will stimulate your hope and keep you longing for your ex. Don't allow this to happen.
Learn The No-Contact Rule
Here are a few words on no-contact so that you understand what we mean by it.
The no-contact rule we follow is the indefinite no-contact rule. This rule means that you don't initiate contact with your ex, ever. Instead, you wait for your ex to contact you. This interpretation might seem harsh, but it's the only way.
You can read more about the indefinite no-contact rule here. And why not initiating contact is essential to get your ex back and recovering from the breakup fast.
Section 2 - Dealing With The Breakup Event
This section covers what you need to do in the days before the breakup, the day itself, and the days immediately after.
The right behavior over this period will maximize your ex-back chances and minimize the time to recovery.
Your Behavior Before The Breakup
If you feel the breakup is imminent, then the best thing to do is start withdrawing from your partner to give them space and distance. Do not chase them.
If your partner is withdrawing from the relationship, it's wise to give them space. If they are not amenable to working on the relationship together and continue to distance themselves, you must do the same. You cannot save the relationship without both of you working on it together.
It will take a lot of internal strength not to run after your partner at this point. Just realize that chasing will only drive your partner further away. So it would be best if you did the exact opposite - even withdrawing to the extent that you are breaking up with them first.
You mustn't chase. Instead, you must give your partner space before your partner asks for it by breaking up with you. The correct behavior at this point might save the relationship, avoiding the breakup entirely.
What To Do At The Time Of The Breakup
If the breakup time arrives, your objective on the day is to contain your emotions, not make any breakup mistakes, and get into no-contact as fast as possible.
Let's assume your partner tells you face to face that they want an end to the relationship and that you've just heard the terrible news.
How do you react?
Avoid All Breakup Mistakes By Keeping Your Emotions In Check
Your behavior on this day and the few following will set the tone for the entire breakup. If you want your ex back and want to recover from the separation fast, this is the time to keep your emotions in check.
Not only will keeping your emotions in check show a position of strength to your ex, but it is also the safest option for your mental health.
If you give in to your emotions and display any common breakup mistakes like begging, pleading, or bargaining, you will put your mental health at risk and prolong your recovery.
You will also solidify the breakup decision in your ex's mind and drive them further away.
What To Say To Your Now Ex-Partner
Tell your ex-partner you respect their decision. You understand there isn't anything more you can do at this point. Thank them for the time they gave you, say goodbye, and then walk away.
Walking away will take colossal strength, but you must do it. Walking away will be so unexpected to your ex and could, in the near term, jolt your ex into second-guessing the decision to break up with you.
And you do have a destination when walking away. It's your new friend, no-contact.
Get Into No-Contact Fast
You've walked away, and you're alone, now the real tough times start. But you will find solace in no-contact. When in the safety of no-contact, you can let your feelings out without involving your ex or causing too much damage to yourself.
Of course, there will be logistics, like combined finances, shared accommodation, pets, etc. to discuss with your ex, and these might take a few days to resolve, or you might have kids. But the principle is the same. Get through the logistics, make the necessary arrangements without emotion, and get yourself into no-contact without delay.
Don't look for excuses to engage your ex in anything other than the essential logistics.
Being brutal with yourself now will save you a lot of angst and anxiety down the line. If you open the door to any amount of begging or pleading, it will be a tough door to shut.
Now you have walked away, never contact your ex again, ever. You have to wait for your ex to make contact with you. And your ex more than likely will.
Section 3 - The No-Contact Period
This section covers what you need to do during no contact. It also offers insights into what your ex might be thinking during no contact.
What Do I Do During No Contact?
During no contact, you have five primary objectives.
Objective 1 - To rid yourself of anything that reminds you of your ex and to put in place plans and contingencies to ensure you never break no-contact.
These steps involve deleting contact numbers, photos, throwing away items like clothes, gifts, and similar. Also, blocking or removing yourself from social media.
You might also ask a friend to support you. You can arrange to call or text your friend instead, whenever you feel like contacting your ex.
Objective 2 - To take care of yourself mentally and physically.
No-contact is a time to practice self-love. It's a time to be soft with yourself, reconnect with who you are, and learn to be alone again. So be healthy, get regular exercise, eat right, sleep well, learn to destress, and have fun just being you.
When you're comfortable being you again and not seeking validation from others, you'll be much more attractive and intrinsically happy.
So do what it takes to love yourself more. You don't need others to make you happy or complete you - this is your target in no-contact.
Objective 3 - To learn from your mistakes and become the best version of yourself.
Although you need to be gentle with yourself, the no-contact period is not yours to mope or feel too sorry for yourself.
Look back at the relationship, ask yourself why it failed, and make improvements to ensure your future relationships don't suffer the same plight.
As a minimum, we suggest you improve yourself physically by going to the gym or getting more exercise. But it would be best if you also attempted to learn new skills, like a new language, playing a musical instrument, or even starting a new business.
Also, read books, listen to TED talks, motivational YouTube videos, anything to expand your mind, and improve your relationship skills.
Your breakup is likely to be a massive catalyst for change in your life. If you've just started no-contact, you won't understand how much drive and determination you will feel as you progress through it.
But you are a phoenix rising from the ashes, a vast untapped potential waiting to burst through, so please don't waste it.
These improvements will make you more attractive to your ex. But they will also re-establish your self-esteem and make you more attractive to others. And they will leave you feeling so much better about yourself.
Objective 4 - To fully recover from the breakup and get your life back on track fast.
Fully recovering from the breakup is a function of how well you can stay in no-contact, how the improvements you make inspire you to more extraordinary things, and whether you can learn to love yourself and be comfortable alone.
If you mope around in no-contact, break it often, and make no effort to improve yourself, your recovery will take a long time.
However, if you are steadfast in sticking to no-contact and make great efforts to work and improve yourself, you will see just how fast you will recover.
Objective 5 - To display to the world how you have improved.
Although this step is not entirely necessary, if you've made significant improvements, you want the world and your ex to see them.
However, you don't want to overdo this, so do be cautious and natural in your approach.
For instance, it would be best to do this through public recognition rather than self-promotion, like getting a promotion at work or an award for achieving something noteworthy.
What Is My Ex Thinking During No Contact?
What your ex is thinking during no-contact depends on many different factors. However, we want your ex to miss you and understand what it's like not to be with you anymore, so significantly that they seek reconciliation with you.
You can only get them to this point if you entirely leave them alone, which is why you cannot break no-contact. Realize that if you contact your ex, even indirect contact, this will reset the clock.
If you break no-contact, your ex will immediately see you as their backup while they continue to explore other options. Making contact does not reignite feelings within your ex for you. Instead, it makes you look wanting and gives your ex the confidence to move on without you, knowing that they can fall back on you if needed. So please do not make contact.
Give your ex space and time to miss you and reconsider their decision to end the relationship. You cannot talk your ex into a reconciliation - this is bargaining, a grieving emotion, which is not attractive to your ex.
You can only let your ex arrive at this point themself. So stay away from your ex, and let your absence grow and worry your ex. If there's some interest left for you, your ex will contact you.
Note, however, that how you behave when your ex contacts you is a massive factor in your recovery. And this takes us into the next few sections.
Section 4 - Contact With Your Ex
This section provides insights into how long it might take for your ex to reach out. What it means when they do., and how you should react.
Getting your ex to the point of missing you enough can take some time.
These are the considerations.
The Stages Of Breakup For A Dumper Ex
Initially, your ex will feel relief after the breakup. Your ex feels relief because your ex has likely been agonizing about the split for quite some time. And now it is done, they will almost certainly feel like a huge weight has lifted from their shoulders.
During this relief period, your ex will not be thinking about you. Instead, your ex will more than likely be exploring all the things they could never do while in the relationship.
Most ex's, especially men, will party, drink, and go wild during this period. It can take some time for this relief period to wear off and for your ex to start feeling proper emotions.
So you need to stay strictly in no-contact and give your ex time to normalize and start missing you.
Breadcrumbs From Your Ex
However, it's likely the first few times your ex contacts you will not be genuine attempts to reconcile with you. Instead, your ex might send you breadcrumbs, meaningless bits of communication that confuse you.
You must deal with your ex's breadcrumbs appropriately to maintain no-contact properly. You can read more about breadcrumbs in this article and how to deal with them.
Factors That Influence When Your Ex Will Reach Out
How long your ex takes to reach out for a genuine reconciliation attempt depends on these five factors.
- The level of interest your ex has in you at the time of the breakup. There needs to be some remaining interest in you. If there is absolutely none, then it's possible your ex never contacts you again or takes a very long time to do so.
- How many breakup mistakes you committed and how badly. Your ex will be hesitant to contact you if they feel they need to put up with more begging and pleading, for example.
- How fast you went into no-contact, and whether you've managed to stay in no contact or not. If you break no-contact, then reset the clock, as discussed above.
- How you deal with your ex's breadcrumbs. Your ex will likely make contact soon after the breakup by sending you breadcrumbs. These are meaningless attempts at communication sent to see if you still hold some interest in your ex and for them to seek validation from you. If you provide this validation, it has the same effect as breaking no contact on your ex, so don't do it.
- Whether your ex reaches a crossroads in their life or not - although your ex might send you breadcrumbs, they are unlikely to seek a proper reconciliation unless something in their lives, of significance, causes them to. A significant event might be their rebound relationship's breakup, an adverse life event, like a serious financial issue, or a death in their family. We call this your ex's life dilemma.
Your Ex's Life Dilemma
If the breakup progresses, it's a sad but actual fact that your ex will only seek to get back with you when they have reached a critical life juncture.
This juncture is usually a significant low in their life - a point where they have no one to turn to for love and validation, and a moment where they see you as a shining star of hope and prosperity.
The low point might be the end of their rebound relationship, financial difficulties, health issues, family issues, or anything that has broken your ex down, leaving them dreadfully unhappy and unfulfilled.
If your ex reaches this point and turns your way, you best be on your guard.
Section 5 - Should I Take My Ex Back?
This section looks at the requirements for a successful and genuine reconciliation with your ex.
Let's assume your ex has reached out and wants to rekindle the love you had for each other and resurrect your relationship.
Before you take your ex back, consider the following points.
Do You Need To Be Over Your Ex To Reconcile Successfully?
As we noted at the beginning of the article, it's highly unlikely you'll have a successful reconciliation with your ex if you are still grieving the breakup.
Ask yourself if you still want your ex back or are holding out hope. If the answer is yes, you are still suffering and possibly not in a strong enough emotional state to successfully reconcile with your ex.
Your emotional state is weak because you will be anxious about your ex's attention and be needy when you are still hopeful for a reconciliation. These emotions are relationship destroyers.
Therefore, you do need to have accepted that the relationship is over before you can start again.
If you reconcile with your ex at any point sooner, for sure, you might feel great, but it's not a sound basis for a long term successful relationship. You will want your ex more than your ex wants you.
So this is another time for you to show personal responsibility and emotional strength and not rush back to your ex too soon. Beware if you do!
Other Factors To Consider
If you've successfully negotiated no-contact and gone through the self-love and personal improvement requirements, you will come out on the other side, a completely new person.
You will also be 'over" the breakup and your ex, and you will be in a strong position to rekindle a romance with your ex if your ex has requested a reconciliation.
However, has your ex grown as much as you? Or is your ex still the same person as at the breakup? Unlike you, your ex has had no incentive to learn and make improvements like you have had, and they have probably not improved themselves at all.
Additionally, why is your ex asking to get back together with you? Question your ex, try to understand why they want you back, and their life dilemma that catalyzed a contact with you.
Lastly, look around you. Your ex is only one of many options you are likely to have available to you. Choose wisely, know what you want from your next relationship, don't make the same mistakes again.
Section 6 - The Act Of Getting Back Together
If you've done everything right, then getting back together with your ex will follow the same process you would follow for any other romantic relationship.
In other words, date, hold hands, kiss, share unique experiences, and get to know each other as if you were meeting for the first time.
Yes, this is the truth. If you're getting back together any other way, think deeply about whether you are making a mistake. In particular, whether you are discarding better opportunities by taking your ex back. More than likely, you are.
Of course, you could exit no-contact completely recovered and not have had your ex reach out to you at all. Leave it that way. Even at this point, please don't reach out to them - there is always a risk it could set you back.
Although you might feel a tinge of regret, mostly, you won't care, and you'll be excited about the new options the universe is offering you.
You see, if you follow the process outlined in this article, you either get your ex-partner back, correctly, with a fighting chance for a long-term successful relationship. Or you move on to something so much better and exciting, without ever looking back.
The recovery process is challenging, but you'll be ecstatic, renewed, and empowered when you get through it.
Yes, getting through a breakup as the dumpee is a life skill you'll carry with you forever. It will leave you with a firm resolve that will make you much more attractive to the opposite sex than ever before.
Do it properly, and truthfully, you will value the experience and be thankful for it.
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